peace, found.

2/26/2014

For so long she suffered at the hands of another.
The bruises were tough to cover, and her will loses to suffer.

She sought to depart from the hole in her heart and wanted no more of being torn apart; she knew immediately just where to start.

She sought a decisive peace.

...a calming wind to bring quiet to the rocking of her boat
...a shift to stop the high tide from rushing down her throat
...in this swirling, scattered tempest she only wanted hope.

She finally took that first brave step.

How quickly the wind rushed through her hair, as if chasing her dreams across an open field.
She closed her eyes and drew the deepest smile, no longer needing to yield.

The frustration gave way as she was finally able to vent.

Now twisting to her will, her sadness was bent.
The hope inside of her was relentless and began to augment.

How easy this was; she only needed to attempt.

Then all of her wildest dreams that she dreamt came to a sudden descent as her body struck hard against the cold cement.

Her last breath was spent.
A sigh of relief as she was finally content.

Test of a Man

7.25.07

Whether it be old wives tales or understood in society
the things that 'truly test' a man come abundant in variety

There are accomplishments that can help one understand
but what is your capacity to influence the good of man?

This question came to me in a resounding accord
and it inundated my psyche as my thoughts were floored.
In almost thirty years I had never come to realize
that potential fourth dimension always concealed to my eyes.
You see, a man can physically fight to claim his own place.
He can successfully negotiate to save his own face.
He can focus enough mentally to decipher without haste
and still not truly even pallet this taste.

The fondness of this concept is not found in a physical mortality
nor is it found in the thrill of success or within a strong mentality.
It is found in a child's unbiased judgment and their gift of acceptance.
One so true that it cannot be purchased even by the purest of penance.

Only the consistent affection, unconditional support and selfless sacrifice
builds the foundation required that can only begin to suffice.
Their thirst is for knowledge and the impression you leave will stay so true
that it forces consistency and will push you to become a better 'you'.

As much as this takes from you, the payback is exponential
when you realize you can influence another human to their potential.
When a child believes in you, you look at yourself in a different light,
possibly one you've never perceived and it then becomes your plight.
The enrichment of raising a child is far greater than I could have been told
as I've witnessed my own love come back to me ten fold.

For Traci

1.17.2005

It's been a long hard road for you, but it's time for you to lay at peace,

Where the screams of life are muted and your complications will cease.

At some point, we had all witnessed your day to day struggle.

Everyday life became difficult but your perseverance was never subtle.

As the role of one left behind

I cannot help but think back and rewind…

Where could I have found more time?

Were there other spare moments that I could find?

There are so many questions it almost becomes too much to grasp.

I begin to look upwards, then at the bible; only to ask…

What have I done to deserve this outcome?!

For my spirit is weary and my despair weighs a ton.

Did you deserve this early exit into the light,

After you put up such a long, cumbersome fight?
Your passing has helped restore my faith and I am filled with a truth.

A comfort envelopes me and my questions are soothed.

You have been chosen and the passing of your soul

Calls for the rest of us to move on and play a required role.

There is a plan in place and your passing was required.

Any anger for God or questions of why must now be retired.

I have come to accept you have gone on to a better place,

even though amongst a crowd I can still see your face.

And I have to come to understand that I must let you go,

No matter what my emotions say and when my heart tells me 'no'.

I wish you peace in your place of rest and know I will always care.

Even if your loss is impossible for my presence to bare.

Anything I must do to see you again, consider it done – this I swear.

And when I feel that warm breeze at my back, I'll know you were there.

Your Loving Brother,

Ryan

Epitaph of Heart

10.19.05

There is a fork in the road and there are but two ways

But the ante is for keeps which contorts it more to a maze.

I am not sure if the best choice is to endure and push through

Or take a deep breath, cut my losses and start anew.

When an emotionless stone meets an unsuspecting rock, there is still a spark.

Even though I should follow my heart, my hope cannot see in the dark.

But even though I would never show it on my face,

Can you not feel the emptiness in a full embrace?

Our thoughts cannot connect and the backlash sends me reeling

With that type of reaction, how can you not sense what I am feeling?

We can swear we will fix it and things will get better soon

But we have already heard that band marching to that over played tune.

During an uphill struggle, it is impossible to gain,

So why do we continue this emotional strain?

Sometimes you have to give in and succumb to the undertow

And accept the momentum of the redirecting flow.

I have become unwillingly numb and cannot sense what you need,

Rendering me helpless to make this togetherness succeed.

I cannot make excuses because we have done this before

And trying to make this work, my heart simply cannot take anymore.

I feel remorse for the wasted time of what could become of other things

But the quicker this is ended, the faster we will see what tomorrow brings.

For this reason I must euthanize our future and put it to sleep

And I must let you go, my love, but this time it must be for keeps.

Sensing the Flaw

6.14.06

If the spine is traumatized enough, the legs will grow weak,

And if one's tongue is cut out, their lips will never speak.

Can this same effect occur within the heart?

Can it go cold and make you to forget where to start?

If you "just know" when you're in love, what gauges if you really are?

What if my definition of love is set with a different bar?

Emotion is drawn in such a subjective fashion, can one comprehend;

Where to draw the line and know when they need to bend?

Every action has an equal reaction, a concept that should affect all.

Than how, I ask, does my heart find the gall?

It will allow me to fall depressed with such a sickening obsess,

But not possess the ability to feel emotion that combats the emptiness?

Can my soul not sense this tipping scale?

At creation, did He overlook this major detail?

Was I created with this inequality for a reason?

I never thought Cupid could commit such treason.

I seek out for the answers, stabbing at the empty air

If this happens again will I really be able to bear?

The frustration that mounts is more powerful than the doubt I yield

It drops me to a new rock bottom and my biggest weakness is revealed

I truly cannot allow myself to let someone in,

And capture my heart and let a new chapter to begin.

This inability is only matched by my want for it to end.

Can a compromise occur and allow this heart to mend?

The Cure?

3.16.07

For so long I've wandered in a deep misery,

and enjoyed its dark embrace and bitter company.

It's almost as if I enjoy fucking things up.

You would think that I've had enough of this bad luck.

Still I sit in this chair, welcoming the emptiness to fill me,

with a thousand yard stare and seemingly nothing left to be.

It's funny the perception I give when in fact it's the opposite;

for there are many demons to burn and the skeletons in that closet.

Beyond the boundary,

there is a presence that alleviates all of this for me.

I welcome it in and I can begin to clearly see.

How much is ahead of me,

What it is I could be.

Knowing now how deeply

And bow to see so deliberately.

A tasted is injected

Into the infected

For all I am subjected

To the ways its reflected.

My troubles begin to cease

As the screams begin to please

And across comes the crease

Into which it is released.

I now have no concern

For how strong her love burns

And I must take a turn

To trust her and learn.

It is now an ease of knowing

How honesty can be flowing

Between us as we're showing

How to make it work and keep going.

And now I know she can

Help me become the man I am

I won't look back for an attack

As past fades to black

We'll reel in the slack

And we'll never have to look back

Conflict of Self-interest

3.17.01

Can the truth be found when the seeker is shrouded in temptation?

And can the passionate be satisfied when it means civil damnation?

Of these two questions, my life walks the line and never to stray

Toward the answers or wrongs – Do they really matter anyway?

If they did not, the truth would have been found

and the fire within me quenched; my soul perfectly sound.

It is this type of disturbance from which I thrive,

Depression to fulfillment, somehow it keeps me alive.

Around, down, back and forth it can leave a sensitive heart to bleed,

But soon it pulls itself together in the hopes that I will someday be complete.

The falsification of this hope is reinforced by my nagging anxiety

And is as strong as natural law and as cold and stiffening as sobriety.

It is why I must escape away to contemplate

Through the doors of perception and above to alleviate

The painstaking disgust of the mere sight of this place

All the wrong doings, mistreatment, and screams leave me in disgrace.

I turn inward, looking for the answer in an absolute position of hell bent

And realize I will merely chase the idea of ever being completely content.

Weathering the Storm

8.23.06

It has been quite a while since I've seen conditions like this

The clouds part angrily and the wind begins to hiss.

The tension on the horizon mounts and begins to swell

It brings with it the intensity of an unforeseen hell.

Change has past and this storm brings in the new

As opposed to running, I await not knowing what to do.

I sense there is a power in this storm but it's not a fearful one.

It's eerily reminiscent of where great things have begun.

As the storm rages nearer, the angry demeanor alters,

It has an intimidating approach, causing the weak to run and falter.

The grays turn bright and the sharp clouds begin to flex

So simplistic now what was once thought complex.

The winds roll upon me but more inviting than coarse.

They sooth and warm me, not here to damage but only support.

I pity the ones that turned and ran for its presence was worth the wait.

That was its plan all the while, to show it might complicate.

The winds divide and open to take me in enrapture

Suddenly the howls cease and the silence is captured.

The eye of this storm is ambient without a doubt

Looking up to the pinnacle, I see there is now only one route.

Suddenly the storm sweeps me from up off the ground,

Yet with awkward caution that contradicts the presence that surrounds.

The witness, of her beauty and power over me, I have born. 

And I want nothing more than to be enveloped by the eye of her storm.

A Transition

6.5.2010

Given residence in my head,

Presence upon soft heart.

Amongst falter and triumph

You waded through all.

Evolution is for naught

If the code is stored.

For the layers must be based

Upon the contour of the floor.

Can the caterpillar live contently

And expire as is?

…or does he take stage as

Butterfly solely for audience?

Alterations bring short excitement

Yet the core yields originality.

Change by external influence

Ultimately drains internally.

As the walls come down

I’ll search through the rubble

In hopes you’re not suffocated

Through the wishes of another.